tears for fears

I tear up all the time nowadays. My eyes watered at Old Navy when I was in the baby section getting presents because I'm poor, then again when a guy said "excuse me" because I was in front of him and couldn't decide what line to get in at the check out. He was sassy. Audacious people frighten the hell out of me. I always think that if I do something to upset them they will point something out about me that will crush my soul and people like that don't seem like the type to sincerely apologize. In conclusion, I am terrified of gay men and the Summer Roses of this world.

Up! made my eyes drown. The movie isn't even sad, it's just that recently I cry when I see anything get left. If someone is deemed unneeded, too much hassle, or their loved one dies or moves on without them you can rest assured I will need Kleenex prehaste. I mention this because I assume there's something going on in my brain that I haven't confronted yet. Sure I have always been sappy and you make a puppy yelp on screen and I'm going to cry but I think I am having some serious rejection fears or something because yikes. I am going to dehydrate if I can't turn down my empathy soon.

Harumph!

So there is a new show called "Community" starring Joel McHale that has me feeling low..NO! ENRAGED! They stole my idea. I had plans to work on my community college idea this summer and now I have to change my plans because they used it already and that just really blows my balloons. I knew the community college was a setting rife with hilarity but I waited too long I spose. Actually things could be worse - I could have already written it or had most of it done - that would have been a collosal waste of time and effort! Now I just have to think harder...and hope that something shiny comes out.

I still haven't finished "That's Not Funny" and now I'm afraid someone is going to come out with something too similar to it and I will have to throw my hands in the air and quit. I can't finish this damn script. I can't even look at it right now, I think because I feel all depressed...I wonder if it's because I haven't seen the sun in weeks? Maybe I should go tanning...but I probably won't because tanning beds make my skin stink. It will be hot and bright before I know it and I will have some other excuse by that time. No, I'll give myself a little more credit than that and say I will hopefully have at least written some on it and I hope to start another project as soon as my shock and dismay from the McHale debacle downgrades to a cringy forlorn.

Alright, well, I believe that is all for now.

Heep go jim youly make it!

Today I started another crappy underpaid, under-stimulating, worthless job. I can't decide whether I enjoy feeling like I could do better than my current situation, or if my painfully low self worth wont allow me to attempt to seek out more fulfilling employment. Nah, it's the last one because I don't feel better than those around me; I just feel way too old to be doing such mundane and utterly inane work.
I'm afraid that anything I try that I actually want to do will disappoint me greatly by turning out to be just another job I hate.
I know why my dad decided to become an industrial painter instead of going to graphic design school; he didn't think it mattered that much. A job is a job, you get used to it you hate parts and like parts but your brain is set to get used to things and do them without thinking.

I was thinking about the people that work at cell phone stores and those mall islands that sell worthless crap. Those have to be 2 of the dullest jobs on the planet. I picture them having no brain activity for 8 hours a day (well I guess its punctuated by answering the same questions again and again and writing contracts over and over...but that doesn't take thought just the effort of opening your mouth to regurgitate the lines fed to you by the corporation.) A robot could do that job...but a robot has better things to do probably. What lies do they tell themselves to make it worth getting up in the morning? Parenting is the only answer to that I guess. Preening a new generation for the service jobs no one even wants to bother making robots for. I hope I'm not offending anyone..to be fair there are hundreds of jobs like this that people stay in till retirement..retiring from what? I think these sorts of jobs give people an excuse to do nothing of importance for 8 hours a day 5 days a week and not feel guilty about it because they are getting paid.

In conclusion I hate my new job... Not because it is terrible but because it is in no way an improvement from not having a job. I could be doing way more creative and interesting things. I could be researching or reading or writing or studying. Instead money takes priority so I waste hours of my life doing mindless work with a vacuous expression on my face trying to forget that my job has no nutritive value and that there is a commercial dumpster in the back ripe and ready for me to hang myself in...nah. that last one brings me solace in my time of need..(NOT REALLY..jeez)
This seems bleak...well I'm in a gloomy mood. My job gives people the ability to feel better about themselves by looking at me..that pisses me off. Also the news came in today to do a story and that just made me feel worse. I could have been exposed at my dumb job! I shiver to think.

Well that is all..I'm off..to read myself to sleep on this warm Friday night. I have to work tomorrow, For I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

can we show a little discipline? Can we?

I'm going to get my hair dyed at 3 today. Pretty nervous bout it. Not total color but she said she was thinking platinum "planks" (I don't really understand what that is) which is quite a commitment I think. Blond hair. the last time I was blond I had very little eyebrow due to a plucking obsession and a much wider face. I have pictures..they make me laugh. I haven't dyed my hair for a very long time but I am looking for a change. I think that even if it looks dumb it will be good because then I will have another bad hairdo to look back upon and chuckle heartily at in the future. I can't help but think of life decisions as fodder for writing now. I won't go so far as to purposely do stupid things but 'm trying to not be so cautious.

I've been contemplating decisions and how no matter what we do life keeps going. If you are married for 30 years then one day up and decide to walk away from your family, you can. They will continue to live and so will you. Humans can get used to anything. The first day would be weird, the first year would be a hurtle but you won't really notice because you're are just living - this is your new life but it isn't new just different. Seems like things should be more jolting but days creep into nights and we just try to keep up.
Summer left Tulsa. She lives in New York. Lindsay stayed in Tulsa; her life continues.
If you don't do what you want, you still age. If you do and you fail, you keep living. If you do and you succeed other decisions will go wrong. You just have to do it because whether you do or not things keep on keepin on and no one is going to stop to tell you what you're missing out on. You probably won't even notice. Fleeting winces of regret will be the only evidence that something is missing.
Does this make sense? Is this thought obvious or redundant? Greeting card cheesy? I don't know but I need to remind myself sometimes that life is not like a movie or a book. Lives can end up horribly wrong and there is no lesson to be learned from them except do what you can and try not to waste so much time because no matter what you do with time it keeps moving and there is an end to this life that will come no matter what happens or what we do.
You are young for a while and people give you slack/time to do something but that's because it isn't their life. You know you should be doing something better but you use the youth card they gave you to fritter away time and be lazy or drunk or slow. Youth does not have a perforated line at the cut-off so it cannot be used as a reliable delineation of where you should be in life at any given time. I hate youth; it's an evasion. The only real excuse is lack of talent.

I believe that is all the rant I have in me today. I realize this post may look like I am condemning my entire generation but really..obviously..I'm talking to myself.

Deep thoughts

I am moving my things out of the rat-infested stenchdive today. I could have done it earlier but like everything else I had to procrastinate until I had no choice. I might steal Maenan's banjo..it has been in the closet since she received it on her birthday. I like the idea of sitting around strumming a banjo. I get a twinge of guilt whenever I think about starting a new hobby because there are probably other things I should be doing with my time. Guilt is one of my most prominent feelings...guilt would be were grains are if I think about a food pyramid of my emotions.

I feel better now with Adderol. I have more energy than I ever have had. I am afraid I will get addicted to it. I keep picturing myself as a junky for amphetamines...is this my gateway drug? Could this medication be a slippery slope to crystal meth addiction? Do you stumble blindly towards addiction or can you see it on the horizon? Am I just feeling guilty about feeling better? Hmm..well I spose we will see soon enough. Hopefully someone will tap me on the shoulder before I end up like Winehouse.

You're a wasp nest.

I am writing this blog because I need to try to write feelings more. I need to get it out...unclutter the mind...see what I can find in the mess. I also thought Summer would enjoy it. =)

I haven't been writing recently. I am in a writing class but I just turn in things I wrote before I got sad. I can seem to make myself work. Sometimes I think the stories are meant to remain safe and sound in my brain. Maybe they are just to entertain me..why would they be so hard to write down if they are for others? Am I being presumptuous by assuming others are meant to like them?
Every animal I have ever owned has been afraid of other people. They love me but not others. Similarly, most of my friends are just as finicky about people. I wonder if my ideas are like the humans and animals I surround myself with; if I try to show them to others they won't act the same. They won't work the same as they do with me. What if my brains are just like Bruce and Burnie and to a different extent..Megan and Summer and Rebecca?

I started taking adderol today. It is supposed to help me concentrate..to try to get some work done. I feel nervous but I am writing...a blog..so maybe it is working. The Dr. asked me if I had heart problems before he prescribed it because it can exacerbate preexisting conditions. He said that not everyone should take this med because it is dangerous but I seem to need it because I can't get any work done. I thought about it...about if it did shorten my life if that would be more upsetting than not writing. I can honestly say I would rather have a shorter more productive life than a long frusteratingly blocked one. I hope that I chose well...and that I am just being weird and it wont actually kill me. Decisions about drugs should not be made so willynilly anyways so I'm glad I thought about it.


I dunno..maybe I just need a pep talk.